Royal Signals

The Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick."

"So what's this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, go back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, Voodoo dick my ass!"

Here some More Quick One Liners

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q: What do you call a room full of blondes, half with PMT, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party.

Q: Why do blondes like convertibles?
A: More leg room.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: What is a blonde girl with huge lungs especially good for?
A: The Jacuzzi.

Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

Q: Why did the blonde refuse brain surgery?
A: Her boyfriend already gave her enough head.

Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose?
A: Sweetheart!

An Old Sailor

An old sailor was celebrating 76 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 76 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 76 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together.Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 76 years old!"

The year is 2005.

After a few years of married life, Colin finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

So, finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and just like that, he gets an erection!

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

A Holiday In India

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib"

Well,the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

Top Ten Lies in Internet Pornography

  1. All men have 7" dicks... large enough to be noticed, not large enough to be unbelievable.
  2. Anyone discovering two people having sex will join in without asking or being told to.
  3. Any two female co-eds are bisexual, like each other, and have boyfriends who will join in the fun.
  4. All women crave anal sex.
  5. Fraternities have a bunch of guys who will have sex with any woman, and one guy with a huge dick to finish her off.
  6. At the sight of a penis, any non-lesbian woman will put her mouth on it.
  7. Women's breasts are usually enormous, with huge nipples, extremely sensitive, and prone to grow and shrink greatly without affecting the rest of the body at all.
  8. Sex always follows a predicatable pattern : a feel, a suck, an eating out, sex, and then a quick parting of ways.
  9. "When she revealed she'd been sleeping with other men, my reaction surprised me - I wasn't angry, but fascinated!"
  10. "I just had my first experience with sexual harrassment - and I loved it!"