Pub Jokes

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen

The Inebriation Scale

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head.
Crisps are ordered.
Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in.
After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers.
Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.
Try to instigate conversation about bras.
Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar.
Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God.
Map out rest of life on beer mat.
Realise that everybody loves you.
Ring up parents and tell them you love them.
Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend.
No reaction.
Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off.
You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring.
Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room.
Lots of people say yes.
Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in.
Beer tastes off. Send it back.
Beer comes back tasting same.
Say "that's much better".
Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision.
Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen.
Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to.
Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible.
Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody.
Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Paddy went for a Drink

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite,Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face."Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?"

Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."