Learning about observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

Penny Pincher

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.

On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed £10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in £20,000."

The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"

Watery Eggs

Man: Do you serve breakfast here?

Waitress: Sure; what'll it be?"

Man: Let me have watery eggs…some burnt toast…and some weak coffee, lukewarm.

Waitress: Whatever you say, sir.

Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through?

Waitress: Why…no, sir.

Man: Then sit here and nag me a while…I'm feeling homesick.

93 year-old woman

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A Nigerian view of London

I did not come to England to take pictures of Big Ben or tour London Bridge. I just wanted to get paid and get even with those colonials. With a name like Ogundele Kayode Omobrukutu, I could not even buy a buspass let alone open a bank account.

This is my story....,

It took me 6 months to study the system, but I still could not figure out my squares and circus'. I could not travel from Leicester Circus to Oxford Square without getting lost. I was a YMCA (Young Money Chasing African) when I joined the FRAUD (Fine Rich Africans United in Deals). It took me 3 months to attain my ACCA (Advanced Certificate for Criminal Africans) and I needed an MBA (Major Bank Account) to do my first HND (Heavy Nigerian Deal). I arranged to meet this guy at Animal and Something, I mean Elephant and Castle. We were supposed to meet at 10.00am. I got there at 11.30am and he turned up at 1.30pm. He pulled up in a Mercedes 500SL with a private number plate - 419 ADE.

He was a definite Nigerian, he had it all - leather jacket in summer, air condition on full blast with his roof and windows down whilst smoking cigar and choking on his smoke just to impress me. Being a fellow Nigerian I was more than impressed. He introduced himself as Adepujo Kunle Babatunde and asked me to call him Ade orBabs. He spoke with a strong Nigerian accent but he messed the whole language up by slanging - he sounded like a Canadian born Chinese living in Germany and studying French. I had not been in the country for long but I could tell that Omo (my man) was trying hard to be British

After hanging with Ade for about 2 months I became an OBE (Opportunist Bank Employee) and specialised in BBC (Breaking Bank Codes). Money was flowing and I wanted more so I did my PhD (Passport Handling Degree) and became an FBI (Fraudster Bringing Immigrants). My status changed drastically...., I had a BMW 328is convertible and a Porsche 911 with a private plate - 911 OMO and living in a council flat and signing on. I went to Moonlighting every Friday and drank champagne and danced to music supplied by DJ Pace and Skills. I became foolish - I remember one night I spent over a £1000 on just champagne at the club and had no money for petrol so I walked home.

My downfall.... Greed and selfishness inevitably led to my downfall - I got involved with a CIA (Cash Investing Agent) and we did a couple of GMTs (Good Money Transfers) but he later turned out to be a CID (Cop in Disguise). I was under surveillance and I did not even know. I left the NHS (Nigerian Housing Scheme) early that morning with about 12 different cheque books to go and do my business. They followed me unto the high road and it was then it hit me that something was wrong. I could not leave all that evidence in my car so I started chewing my cheque books. I ate 8 before they pulled me over. They read me my rights and all that crap and all I could say was - Boss, water please!

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday.

The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of the British Government's Work For the Dole Scheme and hire unemployed Scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However Ferrari got more than they bargained for as, during the Scouse Crew's first practice session, not only were the Scouse pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew and a gram of Coke.

Fifth Grade Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Jenny. Aunt Jenny was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Keep the fuck away from Aunt Jenny when she's been on the piss."

The Blond and a Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like toplay a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says,Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you the sum of $500.00. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what's the answer?

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

Who wants to be a millionaire

A blonde named Pam is appearing on

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"

Chris: "Pam, you're up to £500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend. The next question is worth one million pounds if you get it right.

If you get it wrong you drop back to £32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Chris: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

  1. Robin
  2. Sparrow
  3. Cuckoo
  4. Thrush

Pam: "I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello..."

Chris: "Hello Carol, it's Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million pound question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

  1. Robin
  2. Sparrow
  3. Cuckoo
  4. Thrush

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Chris: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the £500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with c) Cuckoo".

Chris: "Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Chris:"Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Chris: "You said c) Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS!!!!!!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy. Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Submitted by Alan Finlayson

Child Birth

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

Space Race...

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. NationalAeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Lessions

Lession Number One:

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the groundbelow the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on therabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there cow came by and dropped some dung on the bird.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The Morals of this story are:

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK cause he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.!

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says:

"There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)


(are you sure?)


(you're gonna hate me!)


The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

COME ON . . .SMILE. IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD

NOW FOR A BIT OF GENEALOGY!!

Hussein Family Tree

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers...........

 Sooflay ..................  the restauranteur
 Guday...................  the half-Australian brother
 Huray....................  the sports fanatic
 Bejay......................  the gay brother
 Kuntay & Kintay.....  the twins from the African mother
 Sayhay....................  the baseball player
 Ojay........................  the stalker / murderer
 Gulay......................  the singer / entertainer
 Ebay.......................  the internet czar
 Biliray......................  the country music star
 Ecksray...................  the radiologist
 Puray.......................  the blender factory owner
 Regay.....................  the half-Jamaican brother
 Tupay......................  the one with bad hair:

Among the sisters..............

 Pusay.......................  the 'loose' 22 yr old
 Lattay........................  the coffee shop owner
 Bufay.........................  the 300 pound sister
 Dushay......................  the clean sister
 Phayray.....................  the zoo worker in the gorilla house
 Sapheway..................  the grocery store owner
 Ollay..........................  the half-mexican sister
 Gudlay........................  the prostitute

The True Origin of the Internet:

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Widdle Wabits - A Story To Warm Your Heart

The most adorable little girl went into a pet shop and with the cutest little lisp said to the shopkeeper "Excuth me thir, I want to buy a widdle wabbit."

The shopkeeper just melts and gets down on his knees so that he's on her level "What sort of widdle wabbit would you like? That ickle white wabbit there, or the fluffy bwack one or the fuwwy bwown one?"

The little girl thinks for a minute and replies "I don't weally think my python gives a thit."